Random Musings

Current mood:

I know how I usually want to run away from my own thoughts and feelings, but today, I realized how I should just embrace them. Of course, it doesn’t take away the responsibility of managing them so they won’t bring harm to others. But that’s not the point right now. I don’t know when I formed this habit of withholding good things from myself. It’s only these past few months that I have come to terms to reward myself by buying the stuff that I want, eating the stuff that I want, and though still a work in progress, to do the stuff that I want. Previously, I only splurge on other people and am very stingy with myself.

Ahh! I think I learned it from my parents. Growing up, I’ve seen how my parents always put our welfare above their own. They give us the best part of the food. They did stuff for us even if it’s inconvenient for them. They worked hard to give us a good life. I guess I caught on that attitude of selflessness and hard work. It has its pros and cons. I am prudent about money and life in general. I’m very organized and disciplined. On the other hand, I am like this — I tend to suppress my desires and unnecessarily withhold “happiness” from myself.

When I think about it, I want to have that freedom to express my love with all my heart without feeling guilty or thinking that I’m being a nuisance. I don’t mind if he doesn’t like me back, as long as he is okay with me liking him and doing all these things. I’m not even talking about having a relationship. The point is, I just want the freedom to be able to express myself fully. In that light, I probably don’t “really” like anyone that much because if I did, I would probably think about their welfare more. Instead, I think I have a stronger urge to learn to love myself.  Golly gee, that’s sounded so selfish. 🤦

 Anyway, all these is me trying to justify how I want to cultivate my love for U. Screw it. I will stop feeling guilty about liking him. I don’t want to argue with myself anymore.


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